Three weeks into the lockdown, my friends were getting furloughed, my wife was wearing a homemade Garfield mask at the hospital, and grocery stores were out of toilet paper, paper towels, and bread. I had stocked the house up weeks before the first case hit the US. My constant obsession with listening to the news had actually paid off, and for once, my paranoia was justified.
The news had instructed all of us to gather enough shelf-stable food to last two weeks. I did, and now that we were in lockdown, I had a house filled with food and a brain filled with anxiety. This combination allowed me to eat two weeks of food in 48 hours, use my newly acquired Division 2 skills to throw on a sling pack and a mask made out of an old T-shirt and skillfully scavenge for food safely distance at Publix, then repeat the process. You'd be amazed at how fast you can gain weight. I no time, my button had stopped straining and just entirely given up even meeting the buttonholes anymore. My buttons stood watch at the shore of my tum tum hoping beyond hope that their buttonhole husbands would ever return. Fuck I was already what we would call chonky; now I was literally in a new fat class during a pandemic where the news was repeatedly warning me not to be in that class of fat. On top of it being dangerous to my health, it looks super shitty to get super fat when some people have lost jobs and are having trouble paying for food. If video games got me into this mess (I take no responsibility), they were sure as fuck going to get me out of it.
On one of my trips into the quarantined zone (target), while searching for a mask for my wife that wasn't made out of cheesecloth and lace, I found sitting around the house I found a copy of Ring Fit for the Switch. With gyms closed and asses getting fatter across the world, this game was harder to find than a shirt that fit in my house. Things were finally looking up; I killed three very fit ladies and claimed my prize. I also think I found a mask or two for my wife.
Ring fit is devious. If you've ever dreamed about playing VR games and being a superhero in them, Ring Fit will make you realize that VR is going to be a depressing place for you. The game is a turn-based RPG, but instead of picking your attacks or casting your spells by pushing a button, you have to fart while doing situps. I was fatter than ever and jogging in place and squeezing a metal resistance ring made out of what I assume is Vibranium by how little I can bend it but fuck it worked. I would find myself pushing on for more points, playing until I was sore to get to the next level and beat the next boss. They had successfully designed a workout game that rewards all the parts of my brain; a typical video game does. Ring Fit is eons ahead of Wii Fit for any gamer looking to be more active. That said, if I wanted my lonely button to ever see their buttonhole lovers again, I was going to have to do more. I looked out the window and knew I would have to work out in the real world too.
Have you been outside in the summer? It turns out it's fucking hot, and there are hills, and bugs and the ground is hard, and all these things work together to make you sweaty and tired. My first run was a disaster. I put two kids in a double stroller and set out in 100-degree weather through my hilly neighborhood. I had to have looked like a guy falling forward held up only by a stroller while having a heat stroke. My daughter kept asking if I was going to die. I shit your not, I showed her how to use the SOS feature on my phone in case I did kill over. I thought about quitting but decided I needed a new way to motivate myself and instead joined an app that tracked your running and sent you a medal when you hit specific milestones. It was just enough to keep me motivated, and the pounds slowly started coming off.
My buttons have, once again, reunited with their missed loved ones, but I can only describe the relationship as strained. I had just reloaded the Zombies Run app as an additional gamification of my workouts, but 2020 was about to strike again. With offices opening back up, I was called into the field to produce a show in the wilderness, and my weightloss journey would be halted due to a reasonably substantial injury. Fuck 2020.